A few year ago, I saw a 60 Minutes Special where Oprah Winfrey' had put together a panel of people. The panel consisted of Seven men and women who voted for Trump and seven men and women who voted against Trump. She particularly asked them specific questions about his Presidency to get their take on how he was doing.
I heard something one of the participants said that had my head spinning, and it got me thinking about a question I often find myself asking, which is, "What kind of mind is that?" I don't know why, but I am often amazed at the things I hear people say. I often wonder how do they form the words to say them? I could fill this page up with examples, but the problem I am finding, is that what is sickening to one person may be lovely to another. Two people could hear the same statement and come away with two completely different meanings. Or two people could have completely different opinions about the same person. For example, on Oprah's panel, one guy said "I love everything about him (referring to Trump). I love him more and more every day." Another woman said "He makes me sick to my stomach." Same person different opinions.
Each person's opinion was based upon their own personal view of Trump. How could two people have the polar opposite view of the same person?
Each of us have filters that stem from our environment, upbringing, family, friends, community, etc. which help to formulate our mindset. The things that we hear, see, smell, touch and taste every day help to form thoughts in our minds and those thoughts formulate our mindset. For example, if a person's whole family, church and community are all Republicans, or Democrats. It would be very difficult for that person to be anything else but the same. It's called tribalism. Tribalism is the behavior and attitudes that stem from strong loyalty to one's own tribe or social group. We are a society motivated by cultural tribalism. It is our human nature to be a part of a group or tribe. We are brainwashed to assimilate to our cultures. Everything we hear from the conversations in our home, to what is taught in our schools, even to what the preacher preaches in the pulpit is all repeating the same rhetoric over and over to help formulate our tribal thoughts. Politicians repeat the same things over and over again. Media plays the same soundbytes over and over again. Not because of ignorance or that they think we can't comprehend what they are repeating. But they strategically repeat themselves because they know that if we hear the same thing over and over again, regardless of whether it is true or not, most of us will believe it as fact. Faith in something comes by hearing it over and over again.
Thus, disputes arise because we get so caught up into what we were trained to believe and think that we are incapable of compromise. We are incapable of forming our own thoughts or thinking for ourselves.
These days to be an independent thinker requires a huge amount of boldness and self discipline. But it takes independent thinkers to reach compromise. It takes independent thinkers to guard or protect what they hear, see, touch smell or taste so they are not brainwashed into cultural tribalism. Because independent thinkers are not so grounded in their own cultural tribalism that they can actually see another perspective. They can actually come to a meeting of the minds with another party or group.
The job of a mediator is to try to move the parties off of their position. Their goal is to get the parties to see things from a different perspective. If the mediator can get either party to move from their position to somewhere in the middle, it's a great day. Needless to say tribalism is their enemy because it makes their job much more difficult.
But even in the case of two parties deep in their own tribalistic state of mind, it is still better to try mediation than going to court. Why? Because with mediation, the parties get to maintain their power to settle their own disputes. If they end up in court, it's a guarantee that at least one of the parties will not leave happy, and more than likely neither party will feel like they have won.
By Sharan E. Coleman
Managing Partner
Coleman Legal Services, LLC
Office: (404) 965-2878
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